The hard-cold truth about divorce
I’ve always wanted to be in love. The kind of love so deep that it could cross dimensions and lifetimes.
Perhaps, my idealization of love erected from the lack there of during my childhood. Growing up, I was the castaway child, because i WAS “perfect”. I was obedient, smart and pretty. My sibling was the compete opposite of me (she was pretty, but always had this angry energy that made her not so) and received all the love and attention I desperately craved from my parents.
That WAS my childhood.
Always, wanting to be “perfect” for everyone else so that maybe they could love me and never leave me.
It took me many years to overcome this mindset.
And it wasn’t until my marriage ended that I invested time and energy into fixing what was “wrong” within me.
When I was 32 years old, I thought I’d finally obtained what I’d craved all my life; love and attention. But, it came at a price: Me.
I lost my self-identity during my marriage and it took me a long time to get it back. (It’s an on-going process.)
I hadn’t realized that my idea of marriage was not healthy. I didn’t want to be someone’s prize. I wanted to be seen, respected, heard and loved without compromising myself or my partner. I wanted a real friend. I wanted someone I could truly trust with myself; the good, the bad, the ugly and the dark.
My marriage came with conditions. Conditions that meant I had to change who I was. I did absolutely everything I possibly could to save my marriage. But it takes two people to make a relationship work. My efforts were one-sided.
Eventually, I learned to love myself enough to see the red flags and I had to make a difficult choice; say goodbye.
Divorce is fucking hard.
I held on desperately to my strength but eventually had the biggest emotional breakdown I’d ever had in my life. It was like I was watching a movie of my own life. I was numb for a long time and i didn’t know who I was outside of my marriage.
I lost friendships. I became revengeful and bitter to every single person that caused me an ounce of pain. But, I was also aware that i was so damn vulnerable and some people saw that too, and took advantage.
But damn it, I learned.
I learned to pick myself up. I learned to forgive. I learned to let go of things that did not contribute to my healthy mental and emotional state. I learned to take ownership of my insecurities and fear without projecting them unto others. And, there are so many things I’m still learning about myself and the world around me.
Do i want to fall in love again? Fuck, YES.
I want to see someone’s soul, the dark parts, the good parts, the ugly parts and the fun parts. I want someone to be with me, not because I’m pretty, but because they genuinely enjoy being in my presence. I want to be with someone that I can have deep conversations with. I want affection without being smothered. i want passion. I want a partner in all sense of the word.
But right now, I’ll take a guy that isn’t afraid to tell me he likes me, holds my hand in public, doesn't have his guard up with me and wants to get to know me, the real me; not the me at a bar, not the me out on the dance floor, the ME i don’t show to everyone else.
I have more rediscovery to do and I look forward to continuing the process.
The hard-cold truth about divorce is that it forces you to get back to oneness with yourself. And right now, I like me.